My oldest son is unmotivated. I hate it and I don’t know what to do about it. We are back in full swing with our schedule and first thing this morning I have to remind Christopher to complete his morning chores. Morning chores are simple get up, make your bed, brush your teeth, wash your face and put your clothes on. He then tells me that its to much work. (sigh) All the grand plans I had for the day gone down the drain with one sentence from this child.
I’m at a loss he only wants to play video games and play outside with his friends. I’ve explained to him video games/computer time are privileges that not all children have and we don’t have to allow these privileges. Then he begins to cry stating that I’ve hurt his feelings. Are you kidding me, asking him to have some personal responsibility hurts his feelings. Expressing to him that he will do chores because he is a member of this family and increasing his chores as he ages is this to much to ask. Showing him that when he visits his friends homes he still has to brush his teeth, etc. etc. What am I missing here?
What is going on? Why do I feel like I have to pull teeth for every single thing? I have spent so much time trying to create the perfect environment that was different from my upbringing. I want the kids to buy in so to speak. My mother was old school. Do as she said or else there was hell to pay. There were no reward charts, happy face cards or high fives for jobs well done. Yet for all my efforts, all I get in return is whining and disobedience. Man, this part of parenting is so hard. What do you do when you’ve read the books, taken the suggestions from friends or family members and the suggestions don’t work for your family? My first thought is take away privileges and be more strict but then I feel horrible and feel that I am creating a wedge between child and I. And, I don’t want to be “that weird” homeschool family whose kids don’t watch t.v. or play video games. Maybe I have it all wrong, maybe we should be that family without extra x, y, z.
Perhaps what I am experiencing is normal and my life will be this way until the children move out. So I ask you mothers out there ‘Have you become a frustrated recorder on repeat’? Do you find yourself requesting the same things constantly? Has this gotten better as the children age or worse? Any ideas/suggestions would be helpful.
Signed,
Frustrated Mother
*I decided to write this post today because I am a real mother with children who don’t always do what I would like for them to do. In other words I don’t have it all figured out. Sometimes blogs geared toward homeschooling can appear sugary sweet and that is not the case. This is what’s is happening in my life today and I have shared it with you. Now we are off to the library because I think we need some time out of the house.
10 comments:
They say the oldest child gets all the structure, and by the time you get to the last child, they are running things. That is because the first child helps you see what is really important and what isn't. The younger child ends up growing up with more freedom and creativity and a bit of jealousy from the older sibling!
With that said, I am going to ask a question... are these morning chores really necessary? Does he have to get dressed to homeschool? Can he learn with a little crust in his eyes? I know.. unsavory. But. after homeschooling for 10 years, I have learned to pick my battles.... and I do pick them, just one at a time. Which chore is most important? Make that non negotiable. Reward the OTHER KIDS for getting their chores done. He'll come around.
BTW... that "hurt feelings" thing. Yeah, he's pushing your buttons.
Ahermitt, we do have one day a week that is pajama day but many other days we have things to do outside of the house. Many of those things are things the boys want to do so they have to get dressed. How long do you allow them to not brush their teeth etc. Will they wake up and one day just get it. Oh Lord help me, I don't think I will make it if he doesn't brush his teeth. LOL! The thing is the other children are following his lead. But I will keep these things in mind. This hurt feeling business is getting really old. I'm tired and my nerves are bad. (side eye)
Thank you for writing this post. This is my second year and at times my sons do this. Other veteren moms have told me that it's that 2nd and third grade level where things tend to get difficult with them. I usually cox my oldest son into doing his responsiblities, like piano practice, by using this sports. We are involved in whatever the season is sports (right now, it's soccer). So the compromise is you give me piano, we give you soccer. So far it works...lol;)
Intelligentbeauty,
Hang in there, my husband had to remind me that children only want to play. It's up to us to provide the structure. So I will carry on and ignore the grumbling.
Part of it is just because he is a boy. We have BTDT. I think as long as he knows that not doing school isn't an option, and there are consequences, he'll pull himself together.
Maybe you could re-evaluate his learning style and see if there is anything you can change with him? If you haven't read "The Way They Learn" you may want to check it out.
I am sorry you are frustrated, I totally feel your pain - all of my boys have been through this and it isn't fun.
Thanks Mary I will look for that book.
I think they go through phases. My daughter is the same way, she just wants to play and enjoy being a kid.
With her, I felt like I pushed her so hard in her younger years mind you she is only 7 now that in some ways I feel like I messed her up a little so now I have relaxed. Now I don't let her just have her way, but I do take into consideration what is the goal and what is non-negotiable and has to be done. When they have a hard time getting dressed then we don't go to wherever we are supposed to go or I will tell them they will be late and miss part of whatever is going on. They decide if the activity is important and if it is something we have paid for then they know after the session ends I will not be signing them up again if they weren't consistent with getting ready. I can know the things they really care about because we are seldom late or miss unless it is my fault.
I hope everything gets better for you, but in parenting we are always learning and at times frustrated. Have a great weekend!
rThanks Tiffany;)
"The Way the Learn" is an awesome book by Cynthia Tobias. Right Now I am reading her latest book on the strong willed child (my 4 yr old) called "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME BUT I CAN BE PURSUADED." Any book by that author is awesome!
Intelligentbeauty, I will put your selections on my reading list. Thanks.
Hi Tffany,
You're right. He can't leave the house without brushing his teeth, but I would prompt mine with a little ribbing. 1. Learn the "yuck-mouth" song. 2. Do a teeth&breath check... If unsatisfactory make exaggerated faces af if there is a murder scene going on in his mouth.
Hopefully it won't hurt his feelings, but he'll feel inclined to brush!
Yes... My kids think I'm crazy, but they know there's no point in arguing with a crazy person.
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